Gifts and Etiquette

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Are You Going to Be On Your Best Behavior?

I love having houseguests. It's exciting having someone stay with us, especially if they've got kids, which means that my kids now have playdate material for as long as the guests stay. One of the reasons I love houseguests is I seem to host the most polite people ever. If you want your hosts to say the same about you, here are some things that you can do to make your stay less of a burden:

First, offer to help out around the house. Does the dishwasher need unloading? Do you have a load of laundry that needs folding? Can I take the dog for a walk? Help with little tasks can go a long way.

Next, pick up the tab for a meal. You don't have to order in anything fancy or go out to an expensive restaurant. Just ask your hosts if you can have pizza or Chinese food one night--and then offer to pay for it.

In addition, always respect the house rules. If the kids go to bed early or sleep late, don't turn on the TV full blast while everyone else is snoozing. Also, if you smoke, take your butts outside--unless someone has told you specifically that smoking indoors is OK.

Finally, when you leave, strip the bed before you go. It makes it easy for the host to throw in a load of laundry, and she'll just be tickled pink that your made the effort.

posted @ 7:09 AM

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Hosting the Houseguest from Hell? Here's How to Deal.

Recently, someone emailed me to ask for advice on how to deal with the houseguests from hell. It seems that friends who had stayed with this person before--and were planning to stay with them again this year--had done everything they could to annoy their hosts. They got red wine on a white carpet. They ripped the silk throw pillows in the guest room. They brought food to places around the house, where food didn't belong--and the host only discovered this fact after following a march of ants to a previously unseen pile of food.

Given that probably millions of folks will be hosting houseguests in the next few weeks, I thought it was a good time to offer advice to the HOSTS on how best to prepare for your guests and how you can politely do end runs around impolite houseguests.

For starters if there is anything treasured, delicate or priceless in the guest room, get it out of there. You can't expect your guests to know that the tea cup set on the shelf is a prized possession that's been passed down for generations. Why risk having someone bump and break it?!

If you don't like people to have food or drink in places other than the kitchen or dining room, state so upfront. There's no reason to silently steam as you watch your houseguest balance an overflowing bowl of cereal into his room. For the woman that had written to me for advice, I offered her this suggestion for stopping food from getting into the guest room--she should intervene with a self-deprecating comment like, “I’m sorry but I’m so anal that I can’t have food anywhere in the house except the kitchen and dining room.” Then I suggested she add something like, “I don’t even let my husband eat chips while watching the ball game.” Then gently remove the glass from the person’s hands (assuming they give it up easily) and say, “I’ll bring this back down to the kitchen for you. Would you like a refill when you get there?”

Give your guest a quick tour on where everything she needs can be found--towels, soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper etc. This will help avoid any uncomfortable situations of your thinking that your guest was snooping when, in fact, she was just looking for a replacement roll of TP.

Finally, if there is any food in the refrigerator that's off limits, let your guests know that. A woman wrote me once to ask how she should handle the fact that her houseguest ate the birthday cake that she'd baked for her husband's birthday--and the cake hadn't even been cut into yet.

Tomorrow, I'll offer advice for houseguests on how to be on their best behavior so that they get invited back next year.

posted @ 10:50 AM

Friday, December 08, 2006

Take It Outside Will You, or Part Two on What Not To Do at a Holiday Concert

So last night was my kids' holiday concert. For the first time that I can remember, the string section didn't sound like nails on a chalk board, and the choir actually appeared to be singing in tune. Too bad I couldn't enjoy either part of the concert, though, thanks to a gaggle of teenagers who stood in the back of the auditorium and chatted throughout the musical selections. At least two parents asked them to keep it down or take their conversation outside, but they just continued to talk. What, did their parents raise them to believe that they can ignore an adult's request to keep it down? Or did their parents never explain to them that talking during a performance is simply bad form. Speaking of their parents they were nowhere to be seen, until after the house lights came up. If it wasn't rude of me to do so, I would have given those moms and dads a piece of my mind about their children's behavior and how they should have raised them to know better. But I wanted to take the high road and remain the polite one, so I put on my coat and walked out. However, on the car ride home, I gave my own children (who were up on stage at the time) a stern reminder on what not to do during someone else's concert. Hopefully, in the future, they'll understand that concerts are for listening to, not a time to gossip with your girlfriends.

posted @ 6:39 AM

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Will Your Toddler Ruin the Solo? How to Behave at School Concerts So Your Kids Will, Too

Tonight is my eldest daughter's school concert, and I can't wait to see her up on the stage. What I'm not looking forward to, though, are the parents who still haven't figured out how to behave at a school concert. Never mind the cell phones they forget to turn off, what about the younger sibling they let run rampant throughout the auditorium? Or the crying child that they don't take outside, because they don't want to miss their other child's big moment? The best, though, is the videotaping parent who sets up a camera on a tripod, in the middle of the auditorium, and in the middle of the aisle. In doing so, he's blocked everyone sitting behind him and to his side, leaving them to crane their necks to see the stage. If you've really gotta tape the concert, set up your equipment in the back, and use the zoom lens. And if you bring younger siblings to the concert and they start acting out, intervene. Otherwise, you're wrecking the experience for everyone else.

posted @ 8:09 AM

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Making Sure Your Greeting Cards Are Greeted Warmly And Not Tossed in the Trash

I was just reading a story on greeting card etiquette and I have to say that I was a bit surprised. Surprised not that there is an etiquette to sending greeting cards--this, I know--but that one of the potential etiquette faux pas seemed to be a no-brainer. This one suggestion was to make sure that you send your cards by first-class mail so that they arrive in a timely manner. How else are you supposed to send cards? Carrier pigeon? Other than that idea, the tips are all well worth repeating: make sure you choose an appropriate card for the occasion, always sign your name to personalize your sentiments, and proofread your handwritten greetings before sealing the envelope.

posted @ 7:58 AM

Monday, December 04, 2006

Duck and Cover. How to Handle Ambush Gift-Giving at the Holidays

I'll bet that sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas, someone is going to show up with a gift for you--and you'll have nothing to give that person in return. Suddenly, you'll find yourself in a gift-giving quandary that has stumped people for ages. What do I do? Do I run and find something I can wrap quickly so I have something to give that person? Do I refuse the gift because I have nothing to give in return? Do I accept the gift and pretend the whole thing didn't happen?

*This* is what I call ambush gift-giving. It's when you receive a gift unexpectedly, and you're not quite sure what to do. It happens most commonly during the holidays, say, when your neighbors decide to spread good cheer by going door to door with bottles of wine, and you hadn't planned to do anything at all for them. Here's how I recommend handling such situations.

First, don't hide your surprise at receiving the gift--staying true to your feelings makes them seem more genuine. You should accept the gift gracefully, and then say something like, "I'm so surprised. I didn't expect this. Thank you. And I'm embarrassed to admit that I don't have anything to give you in return." To which you might want to add, "Just yet."

Next, you should plan to stock up on festive yet inexpensive gifts that you can share with your neighbors. Freshly baked cookies, poinsettias, boxes of candy, bottles of wine or CDs of holiday music are all gifts that qualify. These will also double nicely as hostess gifts for any get togethers to which you are invited during the holiday season.

Finally, once you've got your gift supply in hand, either make the effort to bring these gifts by to your neighbors--even the ones that you hadn't planned on gifting but including them would be the right thing to do. Or, keep your gifts on hand for the next natural time that you would see neighbors, such as a neighborhood tree trimming, so you can give a gift to those who have brought gifts by for you.

posted @ 7:12 AM

Friday, December 01, 2006

What's Up with Real Estate Etiquette--Or Lack Thereof?

These days, when it comes to real estate, it is definitely a buyers' market. Unlike a few years ago when houses were selling in days, even hours, nowadays homes are sitting longer--and buyers are feeling the freedom to be picky about which house they want to buy. How do I know this? Well, I've been trying to sell my house for almost three months now. This time last year, homes in my neighborhood sold in about 7 days.

Truth is, I have no problem with buyers having the upperhand--heck, I'm a buyer, too, which is why I'm trying to sell my house. However, with the changing real estate landscape, it seems that some real estate agents/brokers have forgotten some simple real estate etiquette--especially when it comes to showings.

For starters, have good manners and show up when you say you're going to be there for a house showing. Please don't forget that home showings disrupt the lives of the folks selling their house, meaning that they've got to leave, often at inconvenient times, to make way for the buyers. If you've stated a specific window of time that you're going to be bringing a client through, do respect that and don't show up 40 minutes after the window has closed and the sellers have returned home, only to race out again when you ring the bell.

Next, if you've got to cancel, call and let someone know as early as possible. Just recently I'd vacated my house for an hour for a showing, only to get a call about five minutes before I was going home that the showing had been cancelled 45 minutes earlier.

When you do go through a house for a showing, please leave a business card behind to show that you were, in fact, there during your designated time. This seems like such a simple thing to ask, yet so many brokers who have bought potential buyers through my house leave with nary a trace of their presence. Since I can't count on the left-behind business card anymore, I've taken to slipping tiny pieces of paper in my front door as I'm locking up. If I return home and the paper comes floating out, I know no one has been there. But if the paper is gone, I know I'm free and clear.

Finally, please call the seller's broker ASAP with feedback--even if it's to say your clients aren't sure how they feel about the house and that you'll be back in touch. It's a simple courtesy to the broker and the homeowner that opened her house to your client, so please let them know what's going on, as soon as you possibly can.

posted @ 8:40 AM

Tackling Teacher Gifts
It's that time of the year where parents let out a collective groan--and I'm not talking about when the kids will be home for two weeks for Christmas break. I'm talking about the annual agony of teacher gifts.

If your child is in preschool or elementary school, then you know what I'm talking about. You’re likely in one of these two situations. You've got an over-anxious classroom parent who has just started sending secretive messages home in backpack mail about chipping in for the teacher gift, and she hasn’t given you a lot of time to think about how much you want to contribute. Or, you're anxious all on your own because you have no idea what to buy the person who spends six hours or more a day educating your child, and since no one has reached out about a collective gift for Mrs. Smith, you’re going to have to do some solo shopping.

Fret no more. I’ll help you navigate the etiquette of teacher gifts and come up with ideas that are appropriate, based on your child’s age, and her teachers likes and dislikes. This information should put your mind at ease this holiday season—and make your holiday shopping much easier:

DAY CARE
When my girls were in daycare, we gave their teachers and the classroom aides each a gift certificate for a manicure. I figured that these teachers were using their hands all day long, either changing diapers or doing hands-on projects, and they could use the pampering. Some confided in me later that they'd never gone for a manicure before, and our gift was a wonderful and welcomed present. Best of all, at most strip-mall manicure shops, you can treat a teacher (or anyone else, for that matter) to a manicure for less than $20.

NURSERY OR PRESCHOOL
While preschool or nursery school teachers might enjoy a manicure as well, when my daughters were in preschool, I would give the teacher a book to read or a gift certificate to a local bookstore. Either way, each gift would come with a personal note. For the book, I might write, “I thought this book was such a great page-turner that I wanted to share a copy with you, in hopes that you would enjoy it as much. Happy reading!” With the gift certificate, I would write in the card something like this: "I hope you can use this gift certificate to buy that book you've been dying to read."

ELEMENTARY SCHOOL
Now that my children are in elementary school, I’ve expanded my teacher gift repertoire. I still love the notion of a gift certificate to a bookstore—especially if I can support a local business. However, these days I might choose a gift card to the local coffee shop instead, whether it’s a chain like 7-11, Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks, or the mom and pop “Joe’s java” shop near to the school. This is an especially relevant gift if I've run into one of my children's teachers there in the morning, when I stop in to get my daily java. Then I know for sure that they’ll love and use this gift on their morning coffee run.

Another gift idea is a bit of a twist on the traditional, and I can thank my daughter's first grade teacher for inspiring me to give this kind of gift. Believe it or not, on back to school night in September, she talked about, of all things, teacher gifts. During her presentation the teacher told the parents straight out not to plan on getting her any gifts at the holidays. "I've been teaching for 30 years and really don't need anything," she said. What she did need, though, were new board games for the classroom—games that the children could use during indoor recess. She then pulled out a Connect Four box that was haphazardly taped together to prove her point.

That year our family bought a new Connect Four for the classroom, and I believe many other families selected the gift of board games as well. We made the same gift choice in second grade, and we might go back to that gift idea this year if we discover that our children's teachers aren't coffee drinkers but instead favor Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders.

Next year my eldest goes to middle school, where I understand we'll finally be off of the teacher-gift hook. Parents with older children have told me you don't give teacher gifts anymore. While that will be a relief, I'm also going to miss the fun of shopping for the perfect teacher gift. Well, at least my youngest has two more years of elementary school left.


Thank-You-Note Averse

Recently, a woman emailed me for advice on how she should handle writing the thank-you note for her husband, who had just had a big 50th birthday bash but who didn't want to write these notes. I told her that she didn't have to write the notes for him--it was his job, and only the mommies of little children write thank-you notes for someone else. She wrote me back to tell me that her husband refuses to write thank-you notes, and she's embarrassed by his behavior. Well, who can blame her?

I don't know what's wrong with people who don't understand the simple concept of the thank-you note. Someone took the time to do something nice for you (took you to lunch, bought you a birthday gift, gave you a job interview), and so you should take the time to do something nice for them i.e. write them a thank-you note.

Probably the only exception to the thank-you note rule is immediate family--I couldn't imagine writing my husband a thank-you note for my anniversary gift, or my daughter writing me a note to thank me for her birthday party. I'll admit--that seems like overkill. But everyone else? Sorry, you're not off the hook. Even if it takes you a few weeks to write that note, the recipient will appreciate the sentiment.

By the way, I ended up suggesting that this women write thank-you notes, since that was important to her, but not for her husband. She was the host of his party, and so I recommended she write "thanks for coming to the party" notes to all in attendance. That way she could alleviate her guilt, and her guests wouldn't feel slighted because her stubborn husband refused to put pen to paper and write his own thank-you notes.

Regional Gift Etiquette

This weekend I'll be attending my cousin's wedding at a fancy-schmancy club in suburban New York. My gift shopping was easy because this is a New York wedding, and in New York, cash is king. However, were my cousin getting married in Indiana, I would have gotten him something off of his gift registry.

Were you even aware that there are regional variances in wedding-gift etiquette? In order to avoid a gift faux pas, you should always find out ahead of time what the gift-giving traditions in that place are and then plan your shopping (or ATM withdrawal) accordingly.


Gifts When You RSVP "No"

People are always unsure what to do about sending a gift when they've RSVPd "no" to an event. If you find yourself in that quandary, here's what you should do.

If you're very close to the person who will be having the celebration--whether birthday or wedding--then definitely send something along. Chances are you would be giving that person a gift at another time in the year, such as your niece at the holidays, so getting a gift to give now is the right thing to do--even if you can't be there in person to celebrate.

However, if this is someone you don't know well or, say, is a kid in your child's class but with whom your child has never had a playdate, then I wouldn't stress out over getting a gift if you can't go to the party.


Thank You, Thank Who?

There is quite a division in the etiquette world on the issue of thank-yous, especially when it comes to how and whom you should thank. One etiquette maven I know believes that if you receive something via email, such as an invitation to lunch, then you can thank the person in return via email. Another etiquette faction, that rhymes with "most," says that a verbal thank-you, delivered when you receive a gift, is sufficient. I believe that no one will ever fault you for erring on the side of the handwritten thank-you note. I'll admit that I may not always be timely in sending my written thank-you notes out, but eventually they get to where they're going--and I'm pretty sure the recipient appreciates my effort. As I always say to my daughters, if someone took the time to buy me a gift, take me to lunch or interview me for a job, then I owe them the courtesy of taking the time to write that person a thank-you note.


Here Comes the Bride...And Her Cash

I'd like to know where people got the idea that it is OK to request cash as a gift for a wedding. Having grown up in New York, I know that cash is an East Coast tradition. It might be expected, but it's never demanded. Yet I keep getting questions here and at my Manners Mom website that ask, "Is it ok to request cash as a gift?" Simple answer? No. Never. So if you're getting married soon and want to ask for cash, please don't. Register for traditional gifts and then cross your fingers and hope for the best, as far as cash is concerned.


Why Everyone Needs to Know the "B" and "D" Rule

Last night I went out to dinner with eight professional women--all writers, smart and well traveled. However, when we sat down to eat at a crowded table in a brasserie, they froze. None of these gals knew what to do with their napkin, which drinking glass they should pick up or on which plate they should put their bread.

So I offered up the "b" and the "d" rule to put their minds at ease.

The "b" and the "d" rule is a trick I use when teaching kids about manners but, truthfully, I'm sharing it more with grownups these days. I've even got the host on TV shows to give it a whirl, and all are amazed at how easy it is and how well it works.

Anyway, the "b" and the "d" rule is simple. It tells you, without fail, where your bread plate is and what drinking glass is yours. It works whenever you sit down at a table.

To get the "b" and the "d" rule to work, do the following:

1. Put your hands out in front of you, palms facing down.

2. Take your index finger and your thumb, and touch them together to form a circle.

3. Straighten out the rest of your fingers and turn your hands so that the insides of your wrists are facing each other.

4. Look down and notice that the fingers on your left hand have formed a "b" and the fingers on your right hand have formed a "d."

What does this mean? That no matter what, your bread plate will always be on your left, and your drink will always be on your right. Well, that is, if the establishment where you're having dinner knows how to set a proper, formal table.

If you find that the "b" and the "d" rule doesn't work, don't worry--it's not you, it's them.

And I won't tell anyone if you moved the plates and glasses around when your fellow diners weren't looking so that the bread plate and drinking glasses end up where they're supposed to be.


How Hard Is It To Be Patient?

The other day I stopped in at Staples because I needed a few supplies. I made the mistake of being in the store during the lunch hour, when everyone from nearby offices runs their errands.

In front of me, as I waited in line to buy a notebook and a box of pens, was a young lady. She was sporting a perfectly smooth blow out, crisp warm-weather clothing and to-die-for green mules. She was tapping her fuscia talons on the counter in a rat-a-tat-tat manner. She was also tapping a foot to the beat of her talons.

She had asked the girl behind the counter to find a specific Hewlett-Packard ink cartridge for her printer, and the employee was having a hard time. It's no wonder--this Staples had a wall of ink cartridges to choose from. I'm talking, floor to ceiling, filled with ink cartridges.

After two long minutes, this young lady let out an audible sigh and fake whispered, "How hard is it to find a goddamn ink cartridge?" Um, when you're looking at a wall of ink cartridges, I was thinking, it's probably pretty hard.

A few minutes later the employee found what she was looking for.

"Black ink?" the employee asked, as she turned around and walked back to the counter.

"Let me see that," the talon lady demanded, grabbing the ink cartridge box out of her hand. "I want to make sure you got that right."

She had. And the employee rang up her sale. And probably in all of five minutes, the woman had gotten what she came in for and was out the door. Meanwhile, she probably ruined someone's day. I know she put me in a quasi foul mood. Imagine how the Staples employee must have felt?

Really, how hard is it to be patient. I know we live in a fast-pace, I-want-it-now world but really: is being a jerk worth it? Don't your realize that when you behave like that, your actions affect others? Next time you want to explode at the slow-moving civil servant or minimum-wage employee, I beg of you--don't. Showing a little politeness will keep your blood pressure in check and you may just avoid ruining someone's day.

If your house looks anything like mine at the end of the day, you could swear that small explosions went off in different rooms, leaving clothes, toys, books and other items scattered around like schrapnel. Does this sound familiar?

I'll admit that I haven't always been the most consistent about keeping things neat and tidy, but I've been working with my daughters for years on why it's polite to pick up after yourself. Slowly they are getting the message. In fact, now our routine includes cleaning our rooms (parents, too) on Sunday nights so we start the week fresh, with clean rooms.

The one area where I was having no luck in getting the kids to comply was in the bathroom. Despite begging, yelling, pleading and other desperate measures, my daughters would leave their clothing on the floor--right next to the hamper! Same thing happened with their wet towels--they ended up in a pile on the floor.

Last month I told them, "That's it. I've had it. You are going to put your clothes in the hamper and hang up your towels after your showers." And here's the plan I laid out for them.

On or about February 25th we bought two gigantic hooks and hung them on the bathroom wall. Then we let the girls shop for new towels in whatever size, shape or color they wanted. We bought them each two--one daughter chose purple and the other chose turquoise.

Then, I taped a calendar on the bathroom door and told them this: from now until February 28th, Daddy and I will remind you to hang up your towels and put your laundry in the hamper FOR FREE. Starting March 1st, we will begin deducting $.50 from your allowance for every day you do not do this. And we will write those deductions right here on this calendar. On the other hand, if you do what you're supposed to do, you'll get a check on the calendar for good behavior.

Well, since we've debuted this new system, there have been checks only on the calendar and no deductions. I am just so amazed that it worked so well. I mean, I know that money often equals power but I had no idea how the notion of losing money could be such a powerful incentive.

Posted March 22, 2006 12:20

A fast food restaurant chain called Rush's is attempting to inspire its drive-through customers to show some good manners at the order window by posting signs that ask them to be courteous of others, including the restaurant's employees. How sad is this, that American's manners have become so horrid that even places that promote drive-through dinners have to remind people to mind their Ps and Qs. But I'm not surprised.

Recently, I was checking out at the supermarket where one checkout aisle over, a woman was busily chatting on her cell phone while the cashier rang up her purchases and a young boy bagged her groceries. When it was time to pay, she held up her hand to the cashier and then rifled in her purse for her credit card. She held it out to the cashier but the cashier just shook her head and pointed. This supermarket, like many, has a self-serve kiosk whereby customers swipe their own card and then hit the "OK" button to approve the purchase. The cellphone talker had to attempt to juggle both her handheld cell phone and swiping her card. Finally, she huffed into her phone, "Hold on!", put her phone down and completed her transaction. She signed the receipt, picked up her phone and pushed her cart out of the store. She never acknowledged the cashier or even the boy who bagged her groceries.

The fast food chain Rush's says its employees deal with this "talk to the hand" problem all of the time. Next time someone gives them the hand, I think they should give the rude customer a high five in return and see what happens. That might slap them back into reality and good manners, though I doubt it.

Posted March 1, 2006 10:26 EST

One of the best pieces of advice I ever received from a writing teacher was to read my work out loud. It's amazing how you can spot spelling errors, grammatical goofs and other mistakes when you read the written word out loud. Also, you really get the sense of how your words sound together, even if your reader will be reading them silently in the future.

I wish people would adopt this trick before pressing the "send" button on an email or the "post" button on an online bulletin board. Recently, I've received emails and seen discussions in online forums where all I could think about was how rude this person sounded--and did this person really intend to be so mean?

It's amazing how easily your tone of voice can become warped when you express yourself digitally. That's why one piece of etiquette advice I offer repeatedly is this: don't say in an email or on an online forum what you wouldn't be comfortable saying to someone's face.

If everyone could stop a second and read their words out loud before sending them off into cyberspace, I think we could easily avoid the spread of rudeness and the resulting hurt feelings that seem to occur online everyday.

Posted 02/08/06 11:33

Today, the Sunday before Christmas, I joined the holiday masses and became a shopping fool. I spent eight hours bouncing from store to store, looking for just the right gifts for the people still left, unshopped for, on my list. From K-Mart to Target, I hit all of the mass merchandisers and many retailers in between.

And at each of these stores I did what the National Retail Federation says nearly half of all Americans are doing this holiday season--I asked for a gift receipt.

I love gift receipts. Gift receipts let you give a gift with some peace of mind, because you know if you blew it--the person has it or hates it--the recipient can return the gift, no problem.

A few years ago only a handful of stores offered gift receipts. But by know I would have thought that all American retailers--especially the national chains--had entered the 21st century, as far as gift receipts are concerned. Today, though, I discovered that many haven't--and I can't figure out why.

At Marshall's, where I was purchasing a pair of pajamas and leotard for my daughter, I asked for a gift receipt.

"We don't do those," the register girl replied.

"Well, what if the person wants to return these?" I asked.

She just shrugged.

I handed over my cash, grabbed my purchase and crossed my fingers that I'd chosen wisely.

A few hours later I went to Borders to buy some books for the moms in our family. When I got to the register, four books in tow--The Kite Runner and Slow Cooker Cooking among them--I repeated the question I ask in every store: "Can I have a gift receipt?"

"We don't do them," the lovely register girl replied.

After staring in disbelief at her for a few seconds, she added, "But our return policy is ridiculously lenient and you can return these books at any Borders location." Then she turned one of the books over to show the sticker on the back, which clearly shows that this book did, indeed, come from Borders.

Well, it's not perfect but I guess in the absence of a gift receipt, it will do.

Only problem--that sticker clearly shows how much I paid for each book. If I want to blacken out the price with a Sharpie marker, I'll likely blacken out the bar code on the sticker, which would probably prevent someone from returning the book.

Which is where gift receipts come in. And why I have to ask this: Why don't retailers like Marshall's and Borders, with 700 and 1,200 locations, respectively, in the United States offer gift receipts? Doesn't it make sense in this day and age of technology to get with the gift receipt program? Wouldn't it attract more customers to their stores if they had this added benefit? I know that for a long time Target was my preferred gift-buying destination for this reason alone--I could get a gift receipt.

The beauty of gift receipts--and why I think every store should offer them--is that they show what you bought and where you bought it--and even the day you bought it (July Christmas shoppers beware)--but not how much you paid for it. That means that you can enclose the receipt with your gift, just in case, and you're not revealing anything except your desire to make gifting as pleasant and painless as possible. Now that's how gift giving should be.

Posted December 18, 2005 20:49

Anyone who knows me knows that I firmly believe that children should always call an adult by "Mr." or "Mrs." not by first names. I don't care how hip you think you are as a parent--when you make a child refer to an adult this way, it creates real and important boundaries. Of course, once that child becomes of legal age, he or she is free to continue calling adults by "Mr." or "Mrs." or switching to a first-name basis. (I called my best friend's mother Mrs. well into my 20s, and my 40-year-old husband still calls his best friend's mother Mrs.

So we're clear on kids and first names. But what about adults and their use of first names? If you really don't know a person, should you act as if you're on a first-name basis with that person? This first-name red flag first went up when President George W. Bush started referring to deposed Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein as just Saddam. Same thing happened with Osama bin Laden--he's now Osama. What, is he a one-named rock start like Madonna?

Just recently I was on a message board where people where referring to the Senator from New York who is married to a former president, and everyone was calling her Hillary. Come on--that's just wrong. She should be called Senator Clinton or Mrs. Clinton, just as the man on trial in Iraq should be Mr. Hussein and the guy hiding out in the mountains somewhere near Afghanistan should be Mr. bin Laden.

You'll see a great example of proper name use each week on "The West Wing," where everyone refers to Martin Sheen's character as Mr. President (save for his wife, played by Stockard Channing. She gets away with calling him Jeb). Mr. President. Now that's how you should address someone.

I realize in casual conversation you probably don't have to adhere to such strict protocol rules and will likely have more leeway. However, in a public forum or in the media, people should avoid first-name references and show some respect, especially for senators and even for dictators and terrorists.

Posted December 16, 2005 15:04

Are you one of those people whose panties are all in a bunch because people are saying "Happy Holiday" instead of "Have a Nice Day?" I'd rather have someone wish me something than to ignore me all together (now that's bad manners).

But as far as this happy holiday hoo hah is concerned, I think that we're all in a snit because the world has become too politically correct and we need to not worry about being so PC all of the time.

What's wrong with religion and recognizing it? For example, if I know you're Christian, I'm not going to wish you a "Happy Holiday." I'm going to say "Merry Christmas." Just like my daughter's third grade teacher this year is Jewish. I will get her a "Happy Chanukah" card, not a "Happy Holiday" one. Also, that tree I have standing in my living room? That's no holiday tree. It's our Christmas tree. I mean, what the heck is a holiday tree anyway? Can I get one at Easter, Passover or for the 4th of July?

Now as far as the Bushes are concerned, well, they're the Bushes. But on a practical level, think about it this way: they probably had to order ONE card that they sent to everyone on their list. They were trying to cover their asses, um, their bases by choosing "Happy Holidays" as their salutation.

I think they could have avoided all this fuss if they'd just added something to the card that recognized religion in one way or another. So, it would have been fine if at the bottom of the card it read: "Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy Holidays whatever your faith may be."

Now that would have covered all of their faith bases.

Truth is, the Bushes were damned if they do, damned if they don't with whatever "holiday" greeting they chose. And this is coming from someone who has her feet planted firmly in her blue state! But hey, let's give them credit for at least getting their "holiday" cards out on time.

Posted December 13, 2005 20:51